Thursday, August 25, 2011
Worthy is the Lamb!
Please check this out! Omg! I want to steal him! The key change brings tears to my eyes! also somewhere around the 2 minute mark. You really can't teach someone to have a voice like that. He was blessed with an amazing gift!!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I'm Alive!!!!!!
Dang! "All because of Jesus" by Fee is so moving! It brings tears to my eyes! Part of the reason why I want to have a class prayer is just to share about the amazing things that God has done in my life! God truly raises the dead! He gives new life and gives it in abundance!
My life’s calling to serve and glorify God becomes more real every passing day. I truly can’t believe that less than 8 months ago, I was considering leaving my “imaginary” relationship with God (imaginary because it was sooooo without substance or foundation) and living my life indulging in what I wanted. But God completes what He starts! He loves us too much to leave us where we are. I don't know what you believe about how transcendent and personal God is, but I believe in a God who touches His beloved creation in a way that is so real, more real that its beyond physical! I can totally testify to that!
Anyway, all I can see is that Jesus truly raises man from the dead!
So happy! :D
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Gates of Zion
Just some reflections on my reading:
Psalm 87
The psalm is about Zion, where the Lord dwells, and how great it is. But in verse 2 it says that God loves the gates of Zion more than anywhere else in Israel. I thought, "why is that?" Then it occurred to me that there was meaning behind the gates/entryway. So the gates are the entrance to the city of God, where He dwells, where is presence is made known, etc. How glorious is it when someone comes to know Christ, when they come into the presence of God and begin a relationship with Him?! No wonder why God loves the gates! Its where He sees His people come to Him and enter his kingdom. How awesome it is to see a person come to God?! I think it would be so awesome to see that figurative scene of people entering God's dwelling and to share in God's delight at the sight of those coming to Him! What a sight to behold! I totally feel a sense of urgency to continue to evangelize to those who havent come to Christ yet in order to experience the joy that comes from God alone!
:)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Winding down but so stirred up!
Aside: God is in 2013. God never fails. So I can never consider this blog a fail. Even though this blog had very few posts we know that God is STILL working powerfully in our class! I can’t wait to hear how Courtney’s experience in rural China was, also from Jessi and her missions trip to Haiti and how Cindy and Octavia’s cultural/educational experience was in China. I also would love to share about my experience in Haiti for a missions trip. I really think that for the most part, things like those can be shared on the blog but I think I would love to hear them in person. So lets have a joint prayer first thing in the semester just to start things off right and praise God as a reunited 2013!!!!
So just to contribute a bit, I would like to share what I read during lunch today. I am going through the Psalms and it’s so wonderful. As I’ve shared the many people I’ve met up with this summer, it’s such a blessing to read the psalms that the worship artists have used to inspire their songs. This is awesome because it reminds me of the songs and puts me in a worshipful mood all day! Today I read Psalm 84. This was totally the psalm that inspired “Better is One Day”. It is such a wonder to be in the presence of God and really experience His touch in our lives. I really appreciated that verse about being a mere gatekeeper than a guest in the dwelling of the wicked. Choosing God over all else is totally worth it in my opinion ;).
One of the many themes that God has been allowing me to experience this summer is the theme of God’s presence in my life. At AMI Revolution it was easy to see that God would show up and bless us b/c it was a retreat. We took time aside to give Him glory for 3 or so days. But what impacted me the most was that it was in my city! I live there! God came to me in my hood. Usually we limit God’s presence to a remote place where all we do is talk about Him. But having AMI in the city I was living in for the summer showed me that the elements needed for God’s presence to manifest in our Christian experience are believers and a heart that longs for Him. Therefore, God’s presence ought to be where you are!! You can be moved to break out into worship, prayer, tears, just because God resides in His people. Most of what I prayed for at AMI was for God to make His home in my heart. It was the song of the summer, brothers and sisters, and it resonated so loudly.
God gave me the cry then showed me what it looks like to have Him in my heart. Later in the summer I read Psalm 48 (Read it, Not kidding, just do it! It is soooooo moving) about the fortress of God and how NOTHING can attack it or defile it. I was struggling with temptation and I realized that if God was in my life and I let him live in me, NOTHING could harm my spiritual life and my relationship with Him. God totally showed His mighty strength and granted me victory and a peace knowing that God is guarding my heart which is His home! Please tell me why anyone would choose to go on with life without our God!!
Then today in Psalm 84, the sons of Korah realize that we dwell in God’s presence and when he is in our hearts, we have nothing else to do but give Him praise! It is also true that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people! How lovely is the Lord’s dwelling place! Make sure you live there! Make sure you make His home in your heart and life! All you will ever do, then, is praise and glorify Him forever! He will be there.
Peace out yo!-Patrick
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Come Alive
I'm posting this in hopes that some of you will see it and flock to update this blog with what's happening in your lives this summer. I know that when we started this blog last year we didn't know each other very well. Sharing was probably a difficult thing, considering that few of us had any real reason to bare bits of our souls, however tiny, to each other. After our sophomore year, though, I really think we've made progress both as individuals and as a class. Over the summer, we should use this blog to help foster that class growth, so that we can share things not just with the handful of individuals in 2013 we actually talk to on a regular basis, but also with the class as a whole. I understand that sometimes there are things that can only be entrusted to certain people, and that's why I'm not attempting to rally us all to spill our guts in their entirety. I do think, however, that some progress can only be made through self-sacrifice, the kind of sacrifice that comes from offering something we'd typically rather keep to ourselves. Everyone in our class is an adult, and so I'm certain we all understand the concept of relationships as "give-and-take." We also all know that 2013 can be a bit unmotivated and a little slow to action, and so my challenge to all of us is to race each other to see who can give faster, instead of waiting for someone to step up so that we can all partake. We're all guilty of this or have been guilty of it at some point, and it'd be stupid to deny it. So let's not deny it. Let's look right at it. Let's have a staring contest with it and when it blinks, let's kick it in the face and right over a cliff. Whether or not we've always liked or attempted to support it through prayer, effort, and sheer force of will, we are 2013. We can hang out with whomever we want or ignore whomever we want or make jokes about swapping out whomever we want, but at the end of the day (barring special programs or some sort of unfortunate grade incident) we'll all be graduating in 2013. We're the ones we're bound to. Yes, GCC allows us to grow close to people that aren't in our year, and in the body of Christ we have strong, unbreakable ties to everyone that transcend graduation year. But the same God who led usto GCC also put usin 2013. Say what we want, joke how we wish, and bemoan what we will, in the end any refusal to truly invest into our own class is, at best, a refusal to experience something God handed us directly.
I understand that there's a difference between saying and doing. It's all very well and good if I wander over to our blog and update it with a stern finger-wagging for all, but it's also very annoying. It'd be incredibly stupid of me to challenge us all to share with each other and then skip away, ignoring myself. So I'm going to share now, and I'll try to make it brief (but no promises, because, please.).
Ihate dislike hate going home. It's difficult for me to really talk about with anyone, because at GCC you don't meet many people who come from such convoluted and frequently disastrous home lives, and then at home, why would I go up to my family members and say, "By the way, I would rather be anywhere else." It'd be suicide. I want to live, and I have to live somewhere, so no thank you, I'll just be quiet and keep to myself. And that's exactly what going home is like for me during break periods. I come home and I say hello and if it's summer I'll work and sometimes I get dragged around to events and things, but in the end the majority of my time is spent upstairs. In my room. With the door closed. And it makes me sad, you know, because who wants to be asked about their family and have to hunt around for things to say because, really, they try to avoid their family as much as possible? Coming home for the funeral-related events was even worse, because the people in my family don't really talk to each other about deep things or emotional things. So in addition to being really upset about the death of my grandfather, I was faced with the thought, "Oh, holy crap, everyone's going to be crying and showing emotion," and other thoughts like that. I'm appalled at myself when I acknowledge that the thought of any emotional contact, tangible or intangible, with my family, makes my skin crawl. Because we don't do that here. But recently, I've started to recognize something: It's just me.
I don't know how to explain this properly, so maybe you won't understand the words I'm saying in addition to not being able to understand the feeling, but I'll try. I realized that I'm the only one in my family who doesn't want to touch anyone else, or at least the only person with such a bad case. I'm the only person (though I have my suspicions about my mother), who defaults to a solemn, stoic face (frequently deemed "mad at the world" by my family members) when confronted with emotions that I've decided need to stay hidden. It's not that my family doesn't hug, it's that I don't hug my family. It's not that no one in my family shares things or gets emotional, it's that I don't allow myself to share things or to be emotional. I was hanging out with my grandmother on Monday and she told me that it was good to hang out and have fun with me, especially since I'm alway so solemn. Excuse me? Has any one of you ever used that word in conjunction with my name? I've found myself in the middle of some sort of double-headed identity crisis. I've posted on my own blog that I recognize how Christ has changed me into the happier, more loving Tavi. But then at home, it'd be idiotic of me to deny that I'm closed-off and emotionally selfish. So who, or what, am I? Couldn't tell you. But I will tell you what I'm trying to do.
First, FFG, or Family Family Group. I've shared before my doubts about my family's "salvation status." For the majority of my existence my prayers for them have been along the lines of, "Please save them, and please send somebody else to them." Essentially, let this cup pass from me. I won't deny that I still feel that way sometimes, but instead of moping about I'm attempting to counteract it by forcing the members of my family to sit down and do Bible study together, weekly. We're supposed to start on Saturday...we'll see. I'll have no choice but to be spiritually and emotionally open to my family during these times, at least if I'm trying to do it right. Second, I'm trying to show my younger siblings that I like them. Obviously I love them, because they're family, but according to my mother, they think I hate them. This is probably because I'm the only person in this family who even remotely attempts to discipline them on a regular basis, and so I'm the bad guy. Fine, whatever. But while I'm absolutely positive that my disciplinary efforts are the reason for this, it can't be ignored that I rarely ever try to do things with them for the heck of it, to show them that I care about them in ways beyond hugs (which I don't do with them. One step at a time, people.). Third, I'm trying to communicate with my mother. This is an exhausting and frequently frustrating exercise that I will decline discussing. But I'm trying.
THIS IS THE END OF THIS BLOG POST *WAVES HAND* DOWN HERE!!! This last little paragraph is the end of this blog post. All right, 2013, I have re-started the summer blog (although, who says it has to be just summer? We could utilize this sucker all year round). Now, come alive! I feel like I'm calling Lazarus out from the tomb (except no, because that's blasphemous in some way, I'm sure.). Come share with us, or lecture us, or cheer us on in our pursuits of Christ as we go through this summer. We are 2013. So let's start acting like it.
I understand that there's a difference between saying and doing. It's all very well and good if I wander over to our blog and update it with a stern finger-wagging for all, but it's also very annoying. It'd be incredibly stupid of me to challenge us all to share with each other and then skip away, ignoring myself. So I'm going to share now, and I'll try to make it brief (but no promises, because, please.).
I
I don't know how to explain this properly, so maybe you won't understand the words I'm saying in addition to not being able to understand the feeling, but I'll try. I realized that I'm the only one in my family who doesn't want to touch anyone else, or at least the only person with such a bad case. I'm the only person (though I have my suspicions about my mother), who defaults to a solemn, stoic face (frequently deemed "mad at the world" by my family members) when confronted with emotions that I've decided need to stay hidden. It's not that my family doesn't hug, it's that I don't hug my family. It's not that no one in my family shares things or gets emotional, it's that I don't allow myself to share things or to be emotional. I was hanging out with my grandmother on Monday and she told me that it was good to hang out and have fun with me, especially since I'm alway so solemn. Excuse me? Has any one of you ever used that word in conjunction with my name? I've found myself in the middle of some sort of double-headed identity crisis. I've posted on my own blog that I recognize how Christ has changed me into the happier, more loving Tavi. But then at home, it'd be idiotic of me to deny that I'm closed-off and emotionally selfish. So who, or what, am I? Couldn't tell you. But I will tell you what I'm trying to do.
First, FFG, or Family Family Group. I've shared before my doubts about my family's "salvation status." For the majority of my existence my prayers for them have been along the lines of, "Please save them, and please send somebody else to them." Essentially, let this cup pass from me. I won't deny that I still feel that way sometimes, but instead of moping about I'm attempting to counteract it by forcing the members of my family to sit down and do Bible study together, weekly. We're supposed to start on Saturday...we'll see. I'll have no choice but to be spiritually and emotionally open to my family during these times, at least if I'm trying to do it right. Second, I'm trying to show my younger siblings that I like them. Obviously I love them, because they're family, but according to my mother, they think I hate them. This is probably because I'm the only person in this family who even remotely attempts to discipline them on a regular basis, and so I'm the bad guy. Fine, whatever. But while I'm absolutely positive that my disciplinary efforts are the reason for this, it can't be ignored that I rarely ever try to do things with them for the heck of it, to show them that I care about them in ways beyond hugs (which I don't do with them. One step at a time, people.). Third, I'm trying to communicate with my mother. This is an exhausting and frequently frustrating exercise that I will decline discussing. But I'm trying.
THIS IS THE END OF THIS BLOG POST *WAVES HAND* DOWN HERE!!! This last little paragraph is the end of this blog post. All right, 2013, I have re-started the summer blog (although, who says it has to be just summer? We could utilize this sucker all year round). Now, come alive! I feel like I'm calling Lazarus out from the tomb (except no, because that's blasphemous in some way, I'm sure.). Come share with us, or lecture us, or cheer us on in our pursuits of Christ as we go through this summer. We are 2013. So let's start acting like it.
Friday, July 9, 2010
God is Faithful!
Hi from Charlotte, NC!
I haven't blogged in a while, but as Octavia says that it gives her life meaning to read the inspirational stories of God's work in her brothers and sisters' lives, here I am! ^__^
God has been tremendously faithful to me this summer. As some of you may know, this summer I'm doing something very un-Whartony. No internship, no summer session, no research, no finance/business related endeavor for me. Instead, by God's grace, I've started a tutoring service in my community and my church to benefit my childhood best friend and sister in Christ, Sarah, who was diagnosed with leukemia last June. My fundraising goal for this summer is $1,000, and by God's grace and with the love of my church family, I've made almost $400 so far!
The best part, however, is that just yesterday, Sarah's father called me and told me that her balance at Duke Hospital has already been cleared! This is absolutely amazing because her current medical insurance plan had already maxed out throughout the course of her treatment, and at least now the costs of her previous treatment and stays at Duke have been taken care of! Our God is certainly faithful and gracious! ^__^
And today is a happy day, because it's actually Sarah's 20th birthday!
I'll be seeing her at the end of the month to celebrate with her for a week, but for now, it'd be super awesome if you guys could all go on her blog and leave a comment on her latest entry! recherchefallaciousandunprepossessing.blogspot.com
God's been teaching me a lot about myself this summer, mostly about things upon which I can improve, but I've thoroughly enjoyed the learning experience and am trying to conscientiously "work out my salvation" knowing that I'm still a work in progress.
I hope you guys are all being tremendously blessed this summer! I'm keeping our class in my prayers!
I haven't blogged in a while, but as Octavia says that it gives her life meaning to read the inspirational stories of God's work in her brothers and sisters' lives, here I am! ^__^
God has been tremendously faithful to me this summer. As some of you may know, this summer I'm doing something very un-Whartony. No internship, no summer session, no research, no finance/business related endeavor for me. Instead, by God's grace, I've started a tutoring service in my community and my church to benefit my childhood best friend and sister in Christ, Sarah, who was diagnosed with leukemia last June. My fundraising goal for this summer is $1,000, and by God's grace and with the love of my church family, I've made almost $400 so far!
The best part, however, is that just yesterday, Sarah's father called me and told me that her balance at Duke Hospital has already been cleared! This is absolutely amazing because her current medical insurance plan had already maxed out throughout the course of her treatment, and at least now the costs of her previous treatment and stays at Duke have been taken care of! Our God is certainly faithful and gracious! ^__^
And today is a happy day, because it's actually Sarah's 20th birthday!
I'll be seeing her at the end of the month to celebrate with her for a week, but for now, it'd be super awesome if you guys could all go on her blog and leave a comment on her latest entry! recherchefallaciousandunprepossessing.blogspot.com
God's been teaching me a lot about myself this summer, mostly about things upon which I can improve, but I've thoroughly enjoyed the learning experience and am trying to conscientiously "work out my salvation" knowing that I'm still a work in progress.
I hope you guys are all being tremendously blessed this summer! I'm keeping our class in my prayers!
Monday, July 5, 2010
blessings from AMI + new blog =]
i decided to start a blog, mostly just to be able to have a place to write out my mind's meanderings, but also to be able to share how i've been blessed and moved =]
here's the link: http://trippingoversimpletruths.blogspot.com/
since AMI Revolution was what triggered the idea to start a blog, i'll start there. i've tried to condense my experience as much as possible but there were just too many blessings and convictions so this post will still be extremely long.
I came to AMI with a very weary spirit, but one that wasn’t really thirsting after God. Even though I dedicated this summer to growing in Christ and really seeking after God’s will, it was really difficult for me to put that in practice. Between family group, FNL, Sunday service, and constantly meeting up with GCC people, it was easy for me to rely on those things to feed me spiritually rather than seek after God in my own quiet times. The first night, however, God really addressed this apathetic attitude in me. Pastor Sam came and preached about how God has so much more in store for us than we could ever imagine – that we are content to only eat the crumbs falling from the table when He has prepared an amazing banquet for us. I began to pray for an outpouring of the Spirit, and this really set the tone for all my worship and prayer throughout the conference. I’m so thankful; I believe I’ve finally experienced what it means to hunger after God, to really seek His presence – not for the sake of seeking answers, but just to want to be filled by Him.
I attended the “Ministry of Worship” seminar, which I think was applicable not only to ministries involving music but also just to everyday Christians. P. Bruce talked about what it means to really worship; because we have been purified by Christ, now all our actions are holy and that means worship is 24/7, not just when we sing or attend service. And the body of believers needs to worship in spirit and in truth, to praise God for the reality of who He is so that this is not determined by our circumstances or emotions, but that we praise God regardless of these things at all times simply because of who He is.
The second night, P. Sam preached about having an orphan spirit, how we often forget that we are children of God. I was really struck by this and realized that when I pray, I never call God “Father”. I’ve just been so stuck in this performance orientation in my spiritual journey, so focused on serving my Lord and judging my spirituality by what I do. I completely abuse the verse James 2:18 (“Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”) and instead I begin “performing” for God, trying to prove to Him how faithful I am and how much I love Him by what I do for Him. I am constantly beating myself up for not being a faithful enough servant, telling myself that God deserves so much more than what I am giving Him, constantly feeling the weight of failing God on my heart. And because of that, I cannot rest in my Father’s arms and simply enjoy being in His presence. P. Sam spoke about how spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausting this is – and I knew exactly what he was talking about. My body and spirit were so weary going into AMI that all I wanted to do was escape from everything in Philly and go somewhere else. All my feelings of failing God, myself, and other people were just so heavy that I couldn’t even summon up the energy to be hungry for God. But, as P. Sam reminded me, this Christian life has never been about what I can do – it is always about what God can do, and is doing, in my life. It’s all about this amazing love of the Father who sees His children when they are far from Him and runs to embrace them; it’s all about the sufficiency of His grace that covers our deepest shame and failure. Later during ministry time, P. Sam prayed for me. He told me that I was God’s precious daughter, His treasure, that even though I viewed myself as a rock, I was like a diamond in God’s eyes. He also told me that I was not a welcoming doormat. As I found a spot to pray, I just closed my eyes and sat there, letting those words wash over me and heal all the brokenness inside my heart. I felt the presence of God nearer to me than I have since the day I was saved. All those feelings of failure fell from me and I was just overwhelmed with grace; it’s not something I can adequately describe in words. I also began praying for God to reveal to me what He meant by “you are not a welcoming doormat”, and He started to show me all the resentment I had built up in my heart for all the relationships in my life where I felt like people were using me, stepping on me. But through it, He began healing that bitterness – even if I am used by other people, it doesn’t matter because He is the God who sees me and views me as a precious treasure. As I continued to pray, I had this clear picture in my mind’s eye: I was sitting on the ground cross-legged in an empty room and God’s hand was resting on my head, anointing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this until later after the service, when I looked at my AMI booklet and saw the cover; the theme of AMI was “Overflow” and the corresponding verse was taken from Psalm 23:5 – “You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” That’s when I understood that God’s intent in that anointing was to bless me, to fill me until I overflowed with joy.
The last night, P. Young led us into prayer time after the message and he told us to just relax and let the Spirit do work in us. That was strange for me because I’m used to fighting for blessings, crying out to God to come down in power. But instead I just sat there and I started to pray quietly, just telling God honestly what was on my heart. I told Him that I was tired of constantly fighting the discouragement I feel when I fail, that I was tired of being stuck in this performance orientation, that I was tired of even being hungry for His presence. I told Him that I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. I expected God to tell me that His grace was sufficient for me, and that I could continue fighting with His strength. Instead, I heard an audible voice inside my head telling me, “I will fight for you. I am singing over you.” This was the first time I have ever been confident that God was speaking to me directly; it was not a response I would have imagined coming from God and the Spirit gave me faith in my heart that this was truly from God. When I got home after AMI, I looked up references to God singing and this is the verse I found: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) I was kind of blown away by the intensity of this verse. God was telling me that even though I am weak, He is mighty to save, that He will fight for me. And not only that, but although I feel so inadequate before Him, He takes great delight in me and will gently quiet all my fears with His amazing love.
here's the link: http://trippingoversimpletruths.blogspot.com/
since AMI Revolution was what triggered the idea to start a blog, i'll start there. i've tried to condense my experience as much as possible but there were just too many blessings and convictions so this post will still be extremely long.
I came to AMI with a very weary spirit, but one that wasn’t really thirsting after God. Even though I dedicated this summer to growing in Christ and really seeking after God’s will, it was really difficult for me to put that in practice. Between family group, FNL, Sunday service, and constantly meeting up with GCC people, it was easy for me to rely on those things to feed me spiritually rather than seek after God in my own quiet times. The first night, however, God really addressed this apathetic attitude in me. Pastor Sam came and preached about how God has so much more in store for us than we could ever imagine – that we are content to only eat the crumbs falling from the table when He has prepared an amazing banquet for us. I began to pray for an outpouring of the Spirit, and this really set the tone for all my worship and prayer throughout the conference. I’m so thankful; I believe I’ve finally experienced what it means to hunger after God, to really seek His presence – not for the sake of seeking answers, but just to want to be filled by Him.
I attended the “Ministry of Worship” seminar, which I think was applicable not only to ministries involving music but also just to everyday Christians. P. Bruce talked about what it means to really worship; because we have been purified by Christ, now all our actions are holy and that means worship is 24/7, not just when we sing or attend service. And the body of believers needs to worship in spirit and in truth, to praise God for the reality of who He is so that this is not determined by our circumstances or emotions, but that we praise God regardless of these things at all times simply because of who He is.
The second night, P. Sam preached about having an orphan spirit, how we often forget that we are children of God. I was really struck by this and realized that when I pray, I never call God “Father”. I’ve just been so stuck in this performance orientation in my spiritual journey, so focused on serving my Lord and judging my spirituality by what I do. I completely abuse the verse James 2:18 (“Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”) and instead I begin “performing” for God, trying to prove to Him how faithful I am and how much I love Him by what I do for Him. I am constantly beating myself up for not being a faithful enough servant, telling myself that God deserves so much more than what I am giving Him, constantly feeling the weight of failing God on my heart. And because of that, I cannot rest in my Father’s arms and simply enjoy being in His presence. P. Sam spoke about how spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausting this is – and I knew exactly what he was talking about. My body and spirit were so weary going into AMI that all I wanted to do was escape from everything in Philly and go somewhere else. All my feelings of failing God, myself, and other people were just so heavy that I couldn’t even summon up the energy to be hungry for God. But, as P. Sam reminded me, this Christian life has never been about what I can do – it is always about what God can do, and is doing, in my life. It’s all about this amazing love of the Father who sees His children when they are far from Him and runs to embrace them; it’s all about the sufficiency of His grace that covers our deepest shame and failure. Later during ministry time, P. Sam prayed for me. He told me that I was God’s precious daughter, His treasure, that even though I viewed myself as a rock, I was like a diamond in God’s eyes. He also told me that I was not a welcoming doormat. As I found a spot to pray, I just closed my eyes and sat there, letting those words wash over me and heal all the brokenness inside my heart. I felt the presence of God nearer to me than I have since the day I was saved. All those feelings of failure fell from me and I was just overwhelmed with grace; it’s not something I can adequately describe in words. I also began praying for God to reveal to me what He meant by “you are not a welcoming doormat”, and He started to show me all the resentment I had built up in my heart for all the relationships in my life where I felt like people were using me, stepping on me. But through it, He began healing that bitterness – even if I am used by other people, it doesn’t matter because He is the God who sees me and views me as a precious treasure. As I continued to pray, I had this clear picture in my mind’s eye: I was sitting on the ground cross-legged in an empty room and God’s hand was resting on my head, anointing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this until later after the service, when I looked at my AMI booklet and saw the cover; the theme of AMI was “Overflow” and the corresponding verse was taken from Psalm 23:5 – “You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” That’s when I understood that God’s intent in that anointing was to bless me, to fill me until I overflowed with joy.
The last night, P. Young led us into prayer time after the message and he told us to just relax and let the Spirit do work in us. That was strange for me because I’m used to fighting for blessings, crying out to God to come down in power. But instead I just sat there and I started to pray quietly, just telling God honestly what was on my heart. I told Him that I was tired of constantly fighting the discouragement I feel when I fail, that I was tired of being stuck in this performance orientation, that I was tired of even being hungry for His presence. I told Him that I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. I expected God to tell me that His grace was sufficient for me, and that I could continue fighting with His strength. Instead, I heard an audible voice inside my head telling me, “I will fight for you. I am singing over you.” This was the first time I have ever been confident that God was speaking to me directly; it was not a response I would have imagined coming from God and the Spirit gave me faith in my heart that this was truly from God. When I got home after AMI, I looked up references to God singing and this is the verse I found: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) I was kind of blown away by the intensity of this verse. God was telling me that even though I am weak, He is mighty to save, that He will fight for me. And not only that, but although I feel so inadequate before Him, He takes great delight in me and will gently quiet all my fears with His amazing love.
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