hey 2013 -
so i've been delaying writing on our blog for a while, mostly cuz whenever i remember it's at 2 in the morning and i'm already in bed. and honestly i wanted to post something when i had a huge revelation or when something major happened. neither of those things have occurred but i've had a small collection of personal epiphanies that i thought i'd share, a few moments these last couple weeks that really struck a chord in me.
the sermon i heard this past sunday was talking about how in the book of psalms there's always this word selah, and how that was meant to be a kind of interlude in between the music of the psalms. it was a short pause, a moment to think over what was said in the past few minutes and pray and respond. for some reason, this really struck a chord in me and i began to think of how many times i've ever just sat and reflected, or even really just paused to think - i came up blank. i've had a lot of amazing spiritual experiences this past year and i've always wanted to think and reflect but i never seemed to have time. to be honest, i really hate being inefficient, especially with my time, so i've been packing in my breaks and semesters with as much as i could possibly fit in.. and you can guess how much time for just sitting and reflecting i've had in the last months. even now, when im at home on break, i tend to try to pack my schedule in - setting aside time to spend with my family, catch up on movies i missed, hang out with friends - but it's been so easy for God to slip out of my mind. i realized last night that i've been so passive in my spiritual life lately, and i can already feel that taking its toll on me. a pastor once described spiritual life to me this way: it's like going up a down escalator; if you don't keep constantly striving to go up, you'll go down, even if you just stand still. i think most of the time i tend to just stand still, letting the escalator carry me down, and when i look to the top i can't imagine how i'll have the strength to make it there. and i forget that God is my strength, that i can do all things through Him, that He is the one finishing the great work He started in me.
i'll be pretty busy this summer.. i've had a couple weeks to rest and bum around at home but i'm coming back to philly in about a week to work about a 40-hour week, and i'm taking a class second session. but despite the inevitable craziness of my summer, i really want to dedicate these next three months to be a selah moment, a time to reflect and thank God for what He's done in my life.
i also have a small prayer request.. i've decided to set aside this summer to really exploring and ultimately deciding if i'll continue being pre-med in the fall. i really want to find out if this is God's will for my life, and if it's not, to begin pursuing a different path. i'll be praying about it all summer and make my decision before fall semester starts, so i would appreciate it if you could pray for that. thanks guys, miss you all <3
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I've been checking up on the blog periodically, but I finally decided to actually sit down and write a post. I was avoiding it a little bit because I was like, this is the summer blog. Since I'm still at Penn until tomorrow night, I'm having a difficult time considering this period of my life summer. What I'm going to write about I was originally just going to leave as a post on my Xanga, and I may still copy this over there anyway, but I figured I could just as well post it over here so that you guys could hear a little bit about what's happening in my head right now. Something that I really struggle a lot with is acceptance. Not so much my acceptance of other people, because I tend to think that I'm all right at that, but rather whether or not I feel that other people are accepting me. On my Xanga I talked about this as well, and how a woman I met for like, two seconds prayed for me and asked God that I would learn that I am accepted by Him. Even though I really appreciated and saw the truth in her prayer, I've still been having difficulty applying that to my life. The past week and a half has been mad stressful for me. I had to wrap up the last of my five horrible finals, pack my entire room into a handful of boxes, and somehow get rid of all of my crap without paying with both arms, a leg, and the soul of my firstborn. That was all finally finished, but I couldn't even rest after all of that because I had to move on to College House Alumni Ambassadors, which wound up being a lot of fun but nevertheless required me to help out with various projects when I would rather have been chilling with friends, and in some cases forced me to wake up so that I could be at a specific place at a single-digit time, something that I do my best to avoid whenever possible. Then, on Friday, I got my grades. Let me tell you, my GPA took a direct hit this semester, and that, on top of everything else I felt like I'd had to deal with, finally got to me again in between Friday night and Saturday night. I began to feel like a complete and colossal failure. A stressed-out, washed-up complete and colossal failure. We'll get back to this later.
I've made a list of things that I want to accomplish by summer's end, designated the Self-Improvement-Summer List. Some of the stuff on the list is more private, but others are more public, like learning how to play guitar, whatever. The point is that I made this list in the interest of improving myself, but last night I was thinking about the list and linked it back to my constant problems with acceptance. I was in a bookshop perusing the aisles, trying to find something that both interested and challenged me. It was late and I was tired, and when that happens and nobody is around I tend to talk to myself. Sue me. I was in this bookshop and I was searching around muttering under my breath, I need to be better, I need to be better. I'll be honest, things started to get a little schizophrenic up in my head, as I alternated between trying to comfort myself ("You'll be just fine. You're an okay chick.") and berating myself ("You need to be good at something, you need to be better than this."). In the midst of my personality's argument with itself, the part of me that's been growing in Christ since I got to Penn kept butting into the conversation saying stuff like, "Who do you need to be better for? Other people, that's who. Who are those people to you? God accepts you the way you are, remember?" This part of me, my voice of reason, so to speak, was obviously right. That, however, did not keep the rest of me from continuing to complain about myself. I started to involve God in my internal dialogue: "I know that you accept me, but I need these other people in my life, too, and I'd really prefer if they could like me more rather than less." So here I am in this bookshop, wandering down the aisles with three different conversations happening in my head. What I learned from the end of it was that God is clearly not the most important person in my life yet, because I'm still terribly concerned about what other people think of me, despite the way I may act or even what I may claim in real life from time to time. Remember when, one paragraph ago, I was talking about how I felt like the world's biggest failed child? I swear to you, Asian parents have nothing on my mother, and when my dad decides to make a critical contribution, it's a wrap. I haven't talked to my mom in like, three days because I don't want to have to talk about my grades, and if I try to talk to my dad he'd just be thrilled that I only got a B+ in COMM because he'd rather have me major in rocket science anyway, which is far from being mad encouraging. I started comparing myself to everyone else I knew, knowing in my heart that there was no way that this one girl I knew had gotten as low a grade as I had in my least favorite class of the semester, Greek and Roman Mythology, and that getting a sucky grade in that class was worse than getting a sucky grade in STAT by far. This whole failure feeling also fueled my three-way conversation with myself and God, and though it was pretty much at the back of my mind by this morning it was brought to the fore again by Pastor Young's message. Very rarely do I feel as though a sermon was crafted through the will of God for my heart's current state, but today was one of those times, I think. Pastor Young just totally hit that part of my worries on the head in an attempt to completely obliterate the darn thing when he said, "You can't focus on your failures. Don't let yourself become your failures." He went on to say something like this (I'm just gonna paraphrase since I don't remember the exact wording): Stop comparing yourself to other people. You should compare yourself to yourself so that you become a better version of yourself. Good gosh that was a mouthful of 'yourself'.
I've decided to make this another public addition to my Self-Improvement-Summer--that I would learn to make Christ the most important person in my life, and that in the midst of everything that I hope to accomplish over the summer I should adjust my priorities so that I'm doing things for God and for His glory, not for anyone else, so that I can become closer to the version of myself that God intended. It's not something that I'm going to be able to fix in like, thirty seconds. I still get really irritated if people only give me like, five seconds of their time, and then I set off to become more interesting to them so that I can get more attention from them later. I'll probably still compare myself to people that are smarter than I am, prettier than I am, and more talented than I am, and I'll most definitely still be annoyed with myself when I consistently come up short. I suspect that this will continue for quite a while. Nonetheless, I hope to make a lot of progress over the summer, even if I can't get this problem eradicated completely. I'd appreciate if you guys would pray for me, and if you don't than it's okay because I won't know about it, hahaha. See you all in the fall (ooh, looky, an unintentional rhyme!).
Hearts,
Tavi
I've made a list of things that I want to accomplish by summer's end, designated the Self-Improvement-Summer List. Some of the stuff on the list is more private, but others are more public, like learning how to play guitar, whatever. The point is that I made this list in the interest of improving myself, but last night I was thinking about the list and linked it back to my constant problems with acceptance. I was in a bookshop perusing the aisles, trying to find something that both interested and challenged me. It was late and I was tired, and when that happens and nobody is around I tend to talk to myself. Sue me. I was in this bookshop and I was searching around muttering under my breath, I need to be better, I need to be better. I'll be honest, things started to get a little schizophrenic up in my head, as I alternated between trying to comfort myself ("You'll be just fine. You're an okay chick.") and berating myself ("You need to be good at something, you need to be better than this."). In the midst of my personality's argument with itself, the part of me that's been growing in Christ since I got to Penn kept butting into the conversation saying stuff like, "Who do you need to be better for? Other people, that's who. Who are those people to you? God accepts you the way you are, remember?" This part of me, my voice of reason, so to speak, was obviously right. That, however, did not keep the rest of me from continuing to complain about myself. I started to involve God in my internal dialogue: "I know that you accept me, but I need these other people in my life, too, and I'd really prefer if they could like me more rather than less." So here I am in this bookshop, wandering down the aisles with three different conversations happening in my head. What I learned from the end of it was that God is clearly not the most important person in my life yet, because I'm still terribly concerned about what other people think of me, despite the way I may act or even what I may claim in real life from time to time. Remember when, one paragraph ago, I was talking about how I felt like the world's biggest failed child? I swear to you, Asian parents have nothing on my mother, and when my dad decides to make a critical contribution, it's a wrap. I haven't talked to my mom in like, three days because I don't want to have to talk about my grades, and if I try to talk to my dad he'd just be thrilled that I only got a B+ in COMM because he'd rather have me major in rocket science anyway, which is far from being mad encouraging. I started comparing myself to everyone else I knew, knowing in my heart that there was no way that this one girl I knew had gotten as low a grade as I had in my least favorite class of the semester, Greek and Roman Mythology, and that getting a sucky grade in that class was worse than getting a sucky grade in STAT by far. This whole failure feeling also fueled my three-way conversation with myself and God, and though it was pretty much at the back of my mind by this morning it was brought to the fore again by Pastor Young's message. Very rarely do I feel as though a sermon was crafted through the will of God for my heart's current state, but today was one of those times, I think. Pastor Young just totally hit that part of my worries on the head in an attempt to completely obliterate the darn thing when he said, "You can't focus on your failures. Don't let yourself become your failures." He went on to say something like this (I'm just gonna paraphrase since I don't remember the exact wording): Stop comparing yourself to other people. You should compare yourself to yourself so that you become a better version of yourself. Good gosh that was a mouthful of 'yourself'.
I've decided to make this another public addition to my Self-Improvement-Summer--that I would learn to make Christ the most important person in my life, and that in the midst of everything that I hope to accomplish over the summer I should adjust my priorities so that I'm doing things for God and for His glory, not for anyone else, so that I can become closer to the version of myself that God intended. It's not something that I'm going to be able to fix in like, thirty seconds. I still get really irritated if people only give me like, five seconds of their time, and then I set off to become more interesting to them so that I can get more attention from them later. I'll probably still compare myself to people that are smarter than I am, prettier than I am, and more talented than I am, and I'll most definitely still be annoyed with myself when I consistently come up short. I suspect that this will continue for quite a while. Nonetheless, I hope to make a lot of progress over the summer, even if I can't get this problem eradicated completely. I'd appreciate if you guys would pray for me, and if you don't than it's okay because I won't know about it, hahaha. See you all in the fall (ooh, looky, an unintentional rhyme!).
Hearts,
Tavi
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"The enjoyment of [God] is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams. But God is the ocean." - Jonathan Edwards
So let us continue to shine in each others' lives. But let us never forget that our ultimate joy and fulfillment is in Christ Himself.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Hebrews 10:25
"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
It's finals week here at Penn, which means this time next week I'll be sitting in Philadelphia International Airport waiting to go home for four months, and that will mean four months away from the loving community that is GCC 2013. :3
What shall we do without each other? :C
BLOG!
I've created this blog for this summer so that while we're apart, we can continue to encourage each other with posts about what God's doing in our lives.
Feel free to blog about whatever. Post links, share stories, share struggles, share how God is working and how God is challenging you.
Our God is good! Let's continue to build each other up through this blog! Be real. Be blessed. :)
Yay 2013! <3
It's finals week here at Penn, which means this time next week I'll be sitting in Philadelphia International Airport waiting to go home for four months, and that will mean four months away from the loving community that is GCC 2013. :3
What shall we do without each other? :C
BLOG!
I've created this blog for this summer so that while we're apart, we can continue to encourage each other with posts about what God's doing in our lives.
Feel free to blog about whatever. Post links, share stories, share struggles, share how God is working and how God is challenging you.
Our God is good! Let's continue to build each other up through this blog! Be real. Be blessed. :)
Yay 2013! <3
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