blessings from AMI + new blog =]

i decided to start a blog, mostly just to be able to have a place to write out my mind's meanderings, but also to be able to share how i've been blessed and moved =]
here's the link: http://trippingoversimpletruths.blogspot.com/

since AMI Revolution was what triggered the idea to start a blog, i'll start there. i've tried to condense my experience as much as possible but there were just too many blessings and convictions so this post will still be extremely long.

I came to AMI with a very weary spirit, but one that wasn’t really thirsting after God. Even though I dedicated this summer to growing in Christ and really seeking after God’s will, it was really difficult for me to put that in practice. Between family group, FNL, Sunday service, and constantly meeting up with GCC people, it was easy for me to rely on those things to feed me spiritually rather than seek after God in my own quiet times. The first night, however, God really addressed this apathetic attitude in me. Pastor Sam came and preached about how God has so much more in store for us than we could ever imagine – that we are content to only eat the crumbs falling from the table when He has prepared an amazing banquet for us. I began to pray for an outpouring of the Spirit, and this really set the tone for all my worship and prayer throughout the conference. I’m so thankful; I believe I’ve finally experienced what it means to hunger after God, to really seek His presence – not for the sake of seeking answers, but just to want to be filled by Him.

I attended the “Ministry of Worship” seminar, which I think was applicable not only to ministries involving music but also just to everyday Christians. P. Bruce talked about what it means to really worship; because we have been purified by Christ, now all our actions are holy and that means worship is 24/7, not just when we sing or attend service. And the body of believers needs to worship in spirit and in truth, to praise God for the reality of who He is so that this is not determined by our circumstances or emotions, but that we praise God regardless of these things at all times simply because of who He is.

The second night, P. Sam preached about having an orphan spirit, how we often forget that we are children of God. I was really struck by this and realized that when I pray, I never call God “Father”. I’ve just been so stuck in this performance orientation in my spiritual journey, so focused on serving my Lord and judging my spirituality by what I do. I completely abuse the verse James 2:18 (“Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.”) and instead I begin “performing” for God, trying to prove to Him how faithful I am and how much I love Him by what I do for Him. I am constantly beating myself up for not being a faithful enough servant, telling myself that God deserves so much more than what I am giving Him, constantly feeling the weight of failing God on my heart. And because of that, I cannot rest in my Father’s arms and simply enjoy being in His presence. P. Sam spoke about how spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausting this is – and I knew exactly what he was talking about. My body and spirit were so weary going into AMI that all I wanted to do was escape from everything in Philly and go somewhere else. All my feelings of failing God, myself, and other people were just so heavy that I couldn’t even summon up the energy to be hungry for God. But, as P. Sam reminded me, this Christian life has never been about what I can do – it is always about what God can do, and is doing, in my life. It’s all about this amazing love of the Father who sees His children when they are far from Him and runs to embrace them; it’s all about the sufficiency of His grace that covers our deepest shame and failure. Later during ministry time, P. Sam prayed for me. He told me that I was God’s precious daughter, His treasure, that even though I viewed myself as a rock, I was like a diamond in God’s eyes. He also told me that I was not a welcoming doormat. As I found a spot to pray, I just closed my eyes and sat there, letting those words wash over me and heal all the brokenness inside my heart. I felt the presence of God nearer to me than I have since the day I was saved. All those feelings of failure fell from me and I was just overwhelmed with grace; it’s not something I can adequately describe in words. I also began praying for God to reveal to me what He meant by “you are not a welcoming doormat”, and He started to show me all the resentment I had built up in my heart for all the relationships in my life where I felt like people were using me, stepping on me. But through it, He began healing that bitterness – even if I am used by other people, it doesn’t matter because He is the God who sees me and views me as a precious treasure. As I continued to pray, I had this clear picture in my mind’s eye: I was sitting on the ground cross-legged in an empty room and God’s hand was resting on my head, anointing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this until later after the service, when I looked at my AMI booklet and saw the cover; the theme of AMI was “Overflow” and the corresponding verse was taken from Psalm 23:5 – “You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” That’s when I understood that God’s intent in that anointing was to bless me, to fill me until I overflowed with joy.

The last night, P. Young led us into prayer time after the message and he told us to just relax and let the Spirit do work in us. That was strange for me because I’m used to fighting for blessings, crying out to God to come down in power. But instead I just sat there and I started to pray quietly, just telling God honestly what was on my heart. I told Him that I was tired of constantly fighting the discouragement I feel when I fail, that I was tired of being stuck in this performance orientation, that I was tired of even being hungry for His presence. I told Him that I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. I expected God to tell me that His grace was sufficient for me, and that I could continue fighting with His strength. Instead, I heard an audible voice inside my head telling me, “I will fight for you. I am singing over you.” This was the first time I have ever been confident that God was speaking to me directly; it was not a response I would have imagined coming from God and the Spirit gave me faith in my heart that this was truly from God. When I got home after AMI, I looked up references to God singing and this is the verse I found: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) I was kind of blown away by the intensity of this verse. God was telling me that even though I am weak, He is mighty to save, that He will fight for me. And not only that, but although I feel so inadequate before Him, He takes great delight in me and will gently quiet all my fears with His amazing love.