Come Alive

I'm posting this in hopes that some of you will see it and flock to update this blog with what's happening in your lives this summer. I know that when we started this blog last year we didn't know each other very well. Sharing was probably a difficult thing, considering that few of us had any real reason to bare bits of our souls, however tiny, to each other. After our sophomore year, though, I really think we've made progress both as individuals and as a class. Over the summer, we should use this blog to help foster that class growth, so that we can share things not just with the handful of individuals in 2013 we actually talk to on a regular basis, but also with the class as a whole. I understand that sometimes there are things that can only be entrusted to certain people, and that's why I'm not attempting to rally us all to spill our guts in their entirety. I do think, however, that some progress can only be made through self-sacrifice, the kind of sacrifice that comes from offering something we'd typically rather keep to ourselves. Everyone in our class is an adult, and so I'm certain we all understand the concept of relationships as "give-and-take." We also all know that 2013 can be a bit unmotivated and a little slow to action, and so my challenge to all of us is to race each other to see who can give faster, instead of waiting for someone to step up so that we can all partake. We're all guilty of this or have been guilty of it at some point, and it'd be stupid to deny it. So let's not deny it. Let's look right at it. Let's have a staring contest with it and when it blinks, let's kick it in the face and right over a cliff. Whether or not we've always liked or attempted to support it through prayer, effort, and sheer force of will, we are 2013. We can hang out with whomever we want or ignore whomever we want or make jokes about swapping out whomever we want, but at the end of the day (barring special programs or some sort of unfortunate grade incident) we'll all be graduating in 2013. We're the ones we're bound to. Yes, GCC allows us to grow close to people that aren't in our year, and in the body of Christ we have strong, unbreakable ties to everyone that transcend graduation year. But the same God who led usto GCC also put usin 2013. Say what we want, joke how we wish, and bemoan what we will, in the end any refusal to truly invest into our own class is, at best, a refusal to experience something God handed us directly.

I understand that there's a difference between saying and doing. It's all very well and good if I wander over to our blog and update it with a stern finger-wagging for all, but it's also very annoying. It'd be incredibly stupid of me to challenge us all to share with each other and then skip away, ignoring myself. So I'm going to share now, and I'll try to make it brief (but no promises, because, please.).

I hate dislike hate going home. It's difficult for me to really talk about with anyone, because at GCC you don't meet many people who come from such convoluted and frequently disastrous home lives, and then at home, why would I go up to my family members and say, "By the way, I would rather be anywhere else." It'd be suicide. I want to live, and I have to live somewhere, so no thank you, I'll just be quiet and keep to myself. And that's exactly what going home is like for me during break periods. I come home and I say hello and if it's summer I'll work and sometimes I get dragged around to events and things, but in the end the majority of my time is spent upstairs. In my room. With the door closed. And it makes me sad, you know, because who wants to be asked about their family and have to hunt around for things to say because, really, they try to avoid their family as much as possible? Coming home for the funeral-related events was even worse, because the people in my family don't really talk to each other about deep things or emotional things. So in addition to being really upset about the death of my grandfather, I was faced with the thought, "Oh, holy crap, everyone's going to be crying and showing emotion," and other thoughts like that. I'm appalled at myself when I acknowledge that the thought of any emotional contact, tangible or intangible, with my family, makes my skin crawl. Because we don't do that here. But recently, I've started to recognize something: It's just me.

I don't know how to explain this properly, so maybe you won't understand the words I'm saying in addition to not being able to understand the feeling, but I'll try. I realized that I'm the only one in my family who doesn't want to touch anyone else, or at least the only person with such a bad case. I'm the only person (though I have my suspicions about my mother), who defaults to a solemn, stoic face (frequently deemed "mad at the world" by my family members) when confronted with emotions that I've decided need to stay hidden. It's not that my family doesn't hug, it's that I don't hug my family. It's not that no one in my family shares things or gets emotional, it's that I don't allow myself to share things or to be emotional. I was hanging out with my grandmother on Monday and she told me that it was good to hang out and have fun with me, especially since I'm alway so solemn. Excuse me? Has any one of you ever used that word in conjunction with my name? I've found myself in the middle of some sort of double-headed identity crisis. I've posted on my own blog that I recognize how Christ has changed me into the happier, more loving Tavi. But then at home, it'd be idiotic of me to deny that I'm closed-off and emotionally selfish. So who, or what, am I? Couldn't tell you. But I will tell you what I'm trying to do.

First, FFG, or Family Family Group. I've shared before my doubts about my family's "salvation status." For the majority of my existence my prayers for them have been along the lines of, "Please save them, and please send somebody else to them." Essentially, let this cup pass from me. I won't deny that I still feel that way sometimes, but instead of moping about I'm attempting to counteract it by forcing the members of my family to sit down and do Bible study together, weekly. We're supposed to start on Saturday...we'll see. I'll have no choice but to be spiritually and emotionally open to my family during these times, at least if I'm trying to do it right. Second, I'm trying to show my younger siblings that I like them. Obviously I love them, because they're family, but according to my mother, they think I hate them. This is probably because I'm the only person in this family who even remotely attempts to discipline them on a regular basis, and so I'm the bad guy. Fine, whatever. But while I'm absolutely positive that my disciplinary efforts are the reason for this, it can't be ignored that I rarely ever try to do things with them for the heck of it, to show them that I care about them in ways beyond hugs (which I don't do with them. One step at a time, people.). Third, I'm trying to communicate with my mother. This is an exhausting and frequently frustrating exercise that I will decline discussing. But I'm trying.

THIS IS THE END OF THIS BLOG POST *WAVES HAND* DOWN HERE!!! This last little paragraph is the end of this blog post. All right, 2013, I have re-started the summer blog (although, who says it has to be just summer? We could utilize this sucker all year round). Now, come alive! I feel like I'm calling Lazarus out from the tomb (except no, because that's blasphemous in some way, I'm sure.). Come share with us, or lecture us, or cheer us on in our pursuits of Christ as we go through this summer. We are 2013. So let's start acting like it.